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Santwana Chatterjee
http://santwana.purpledream.com
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The Sissy
12/24/02 |
I heard the voices using abusive language; a door banged, some one groaned. I bolted all the windows but the sound would not cease. The strong scent of incense engulfed me... Beads of perspiration appeared on my forehead, my heart thumping loud inside me, I opened the door and tiptoed out into the passage halting at grandpa's room. Listening to the sound of deep rhythmic breathing calmed my nerves somewhat... I stood a few seconds before Sumi's closed door. My lovely little sister. I tried to keep from getting scared, tried to get my thoughts off some place else, tried to think about days when Sumi would lie beside me whimpering softly, afraid of offending father. I would stroke her curly hair softly, telling stories, trying to put her back to sleep. Those were the days when father would come late, dragging his unsteady feet, smelling heavily of alcohol. He would beat mother, would use filthy language forcing her to his room. I wished I was strong and big and could drive that man out of our life. But I would fall asleep with Sumi on my side, her small frame curled beside me, stains of tear visible on her chubby cheeks.
The day it happened I was at school and was sent home early. I saw gathering of a small crowd before our house. I ran up the stairs and looked for mother but she was nowhere to be seen. I saw Grandpa sitting in a sofa with his face hidden between his hands. "Where is mother?", I cried but no body replied. Grandpa looked up and made me sit by his side. "Your mother is no more" he said gently. Later I learnt that there was a terrible fight between the two, when father declared he was going to leave us and marry Ritu auntie and stormed out of the house. After he left mother went into her room and closed the door from inside. She hanged herself.
We went to the crematorium. I performed her last rites, they said, it is a son's duly. I was twelve... I saw serious looking people talking in hushed voices, scattered all over the place. Then we went up some stairs and saw a kind of platform where three or four bodies were laid in a row of makeshift bamboo stretchers. One of them was my mother. I was suffocated by the scent of heavy incense burning at her side. Extreme terror seized me, my limbs started trembling and all I wanted was to flee from the ghastly place but I had to stay on. The rituals that followed left me weak and exhausted. Every time I touched mother with those burning sticks, I fancied mother flinched, then they pushed her body behind iron doors, into burning flames... I wanted to put my face into mother's bosom and cry but mother was no more. I could not eat or sleep for days and months. Memories of crematorium haunting me. We were shifted to grandpa's house, me and Sumi and we were admitted to new schools, every thing changing about me all on a sudden.
Sumi was developing into a lovely young girl. At times, she would appear a stranger too. "Sumi, my little sister, please do not grow up. I will tell you stories, I would sing lullaby's and put you to sleep, we would play hid and seek, like in the past" I would cry silently. But she was growing up fast. The boys at the street corner would make comments after her, whistling while she passed by and I would feel like throttling them. The punks, the rascals, I would fume inside but I did not have enough courage, afraid they would batter my skinny body to the ground and I would look the other way, sense of hopelessness and frustration making me all the more miserable. I could feel the eyes of the punks piercing my back, sniggering at me. At night the voices would come and keep me awake sleep eluding me. I was loosing appetite feeling tired all the time. I was going down on all fronts. My progress at school hit the bottom. I could not concentrate on anything. Grandpa never reproached me but I knew he too was tired of me. My teachers in school made me feel like a heel and lowly fellow, a good for nothing. They need not try so hard though, 'cause that was exactly what I thought of myself. I was thrown in a dark and miserable world with no one to turn to for help.
But no, there was Chanchal, a local youth I had become friendly with recently. He was a very tough guy, a little rough though and he drinks a lot but the local punks treated him with respect... I liked him Chanchal by my side I could even look at the rascals straight in the eyes, which was a very rare thing that I could do these days. I hid my eyes, the best way to prevent people from guessing from what is going in your mind.
I was waiting at the bus stop on my way back from school, when the familiar a face peeped out of the front window of a white Maruti. "Hallow Suman, how are you? Returning from school, I see! And how is your sister and grandpa boy? Come in, I will drop you home" he opened the door and to my horror I found myself sliding into the seat beside him, answering the questions obediently. Father talked to me a lot, asking in detail about me and Sumi. I could not hit back at him, nor could I feel any hatred towards my tormentor. On the contrary, I felt secured by his side in a vague sort of way. I even wished he would come back to us. He dropped me at the corner and drove away and I returned home devastated and hating myself even more. Why should I always be a failure? How could I stoop so low, how could I be such a weakling, letting him use such patronizing tone. That night I was kept awake by all kind of voices condemning me, shame, shame they were saying. I sat crouched in a corner with my back to the wall. I had started feeling my body at places at regular interval to make sure that I was a man. I had a nagging fear at the back of mind that I was going through a sex change and soon turn into a female body. I expressed my fear to some of my friends but the fools either laughed like they were going made or gave me suspicious looks, as if I was speaking through my hat, cracking nasty jokes. My lower abdomen was aching but I dare not open the door, instead I relieved myself in a corner of the room and moped off the mess with an old shirt...
Today, Bishu came. I despise him, a snoopy sort of fellow. He put his nose too close to my ear for my comfort and whispered "Do you know your sister is going out with boys. She is particularly friendly with Chanchal. I saw them coming out of the park after dark...
I waited for Sumi anger boiling inside. So she is going to the parks with Chanchal. How dare they, betraying my trust... Look at her freaking around, while her brother was in so much pain. She was coming up the stairs, two at a time when I blocked her way her shoulder length curly black hair surrounding her angelic face, looking as fresh as a flower. "is it true, you are going around with Chanchal?" I demanded. Sumi looked at me with those wonderfully innocent eyes and said defiantly "Yes, so what?' her defiant attitude dampened my spirit somewhat "Don't associate with Chanchal. He is a bad guy" I tried to sound authoritative. Sumi laughed at me with sarcasm "Really! And who are you to tell me that. Look at yourself... You are a spineless creature looking the other way when nasty people comment and whistle at your sister in the street. Chanchal has guts, he can protect me. Don't try to act big brother with me, you Sissy" she screamed at me.
I felt the weakness coming back to my legs. I could feel my face daring of colour, then I felt a sudden rush of blood. I fled to my room like a shooed canine with its tail between its legs. My throat felt dry. There was a terrible pain in my chest. I could not bear it any longer. "My Sumi, my own little sister. I have told you not to grow up. Why did you grow up. You are not my Sumi. You are some one else. How could you be so cruel?"
The night was lonely, everybody slept but me. I came back to my room, bolted the door from inside and brought out the carefully made noose with grandpa's dhoti from under the mattress. I looked at the ceiling fan. It was too high. I could not reach the fan. I tied one corner f the dhoti with the fan and put the noose around my neck. Slowly I kicked the stool from beneath my feet.
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Based upon the true story of my elder brother who committed suicide in the year 1977 |
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The Last Act
01/02/04
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It was not a play, it was life.
The actors did not know.
I was laughing, I was crying,
I was making all the show.
Hope lingering in my heart
Perhaps it was not the end of the day, it could not be
The end of the show.
Silently and softly
The moon appeared from behind the clouds
And I was shown the door.
Only the joker in me smiled
Calling me 'Lets go'.
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Not For You
01/12/04 |
It is true my heart pined for you;
It is true I wanted you,
In the eastern sky glazed the sun
I craved for our souls to be but one.
The sun in the middle came like a ball of fire
I longed for you with burning desire,
I look at the sun setting in the West
The sky is pink and blue.
And I still think of you.
Turning your love to the next girl waiting
Burning my bed; her in mind
Sense of glory lasting for ever
Dazzling your eyes blind.
The girls have left their youth
So has your desire.
The nest you left is too big for you
You may come and retire.
Your place is now only at a corner
Compassion to blanket you
Love and desire are still shining high
But! They are not for you.
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For My Soulmate
01/25/04 |
I saw you standing far, far away,
With your arms folded as you do.
A gust of wind came my way,
Bringing in your scent.
I took a step or two,
Fear lurching in my heart.
Suddenly I looked back
And it was the moon.
I ran as fast as I could
And was in your arms holding me tight.
My eyes could not see you smile.
For, for my eyes it was a knight.
The river flew from my eyes
Dropping into your soul.
I saw the waves coming our way
Fury and passion blended in two.
My heart was laughing and crying for I knew
At last it was you and only you.
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In Tune With Infinity
01/15/06 |
My heart yearns for you;
But silence greets me
Far and near.
In my heart of hearts I know
Surrender!
And you will be there.
I know not where from I became;
Nor where I shall end.
Let the darkness of ignorance melt
Let knowledge dawn on me,
And let it be felt
Small as my life may be
It comes and flows into infinity.
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A Rose For Mother
04/01/06
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A rose, a jasmine, a tulip for you!
Whatever I say, however I do
My tributes are ever
So small for you.
Like the ocean, like the sky
Deep and endless was your love for me.
God touched me through your hands, Mama
Nectar you fed me.
Standing by the river where time flows
I beg for a chance a-new
To tell you this was really how I felt-
Mother
Thus is my Love for You.
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The Parrot
07/11/06 |
When I talk of you
They say , a parrot !
How would they know,
Like the southern breeze
You have sent your message
Filling me to the core
With your divine melody.
I try to fathom
Known from the unknown
I try to put my words to your tune
And they laugh , a parrot !
Desperate , I try to bind your melody with
Music , orchestra, lyrics!
But they remain out of reach-
The fragrance, sweetness, the heart wrenching pain
That was there when you hummed!
Throwing caution to the winds
I put my voice to your song!
Even from inside some cried
A parrot!
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Your Ways
09/01/06 |
I cherish the golden moment
You tugged at my heartstring
With your divine melodies
Lifting my soul to the skies
Like a fool I tried to join in
Only to break the spell
Broken hearted and forsaken
I stand and muse
For what fault of mine!
My Lord, my Master
What fault of mine!
I felt you by my side
In a room full of people
You came to me
In the dark lonely night
Bursting with pride
I misjudged my might.
Victorious, I tried to sing
Alas my pride has broken the string.
You were here!
Now you are gone,
I know, though, I am not alone.
You are there in the air that I breathe
Your songs , my Lord , the flowers sing
You are gone, but not forever
Heartless you're not
And you do care
To show me how the different ways
All reach you
In the coming days
I'll find them out one by one
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The Poet
10/12/06 |
My eternal poet!
How I wish I could write your name in my book
I marvel that my secret wish was known to you
And you wrote all the verses for me.
All day long I hummed those songs
Oh my master player,
Behold, you have turned me into your Veena
Full of your own melodies
You grinned when I took up my brush
To paint you with my colors.
And oh eternal playboy, you have drenched me
With all your hues
The grand night approaching, I was busy
Preparing my offerings, my heart beating fast
My aching heart's desire was not hidden from you
Oh my eternal lover!
Gently you put all my fears to rest
Embracing me with your all pervading love.
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The Broken Mandoline
01/01/07 |
My heart and soul
Was lying forlorn
In a dark corner of the stately palace
A broken mandolin behind doors
After an eternity it seems,
Who is knocking softly on the door?
Who has picked me up and playing gently on my strings?
Robbed of all my riches
Forsaken by all
I was lying lost and torn
Pray tell me Oh graceful God
Were you waiting for this day?
To fill me with your Love to the core
Bless me heart and soul?
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The Voice
01/15/07 |
I stopped at my journey's end
A sudden pull , a sudden jerk
I looked back with a heavy heart
To my past that was coming dark
The happy days I spent,
The love that I shared ;
The things that made me laugh;
The tears for those I cared;
Pictures floated before my eyes
Of the world I knew so well
My heart is breaking to pieces
It is time to say farewell.
My love for the days I knew
Called me silently
A voice beckoned over their shadows
I am your destiny
I closed my eyes to shut the sight,
Writings on the western sky,
Crimson still the eternal bed
Burning in my mind's eye
The day you're born oh lonely maiden
I was chosen your partner to be,
Birth is where you spend your day
But the night is left to me.
I am your journey's end
A bond you can't break free
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